Star Fox Guard

Released on April 22, 2016 in North America by Nintendo for the Wii U, and developed by Nintendo EPD and PlatinumGames, Star Fox Guard features tower defense action in the Star Fox universe.

Like most people who own Star Fox Guard, I received the game as a free pack-in with 2016's disappointing Star Fox Zero. The embarrassing truth, though, is that this free game set in the Star Fox universe is a far better and more enjoyable experience than the not-so-free Star Fox game with which it was packed.

Short Circuit 80's robot nostalgia activated

The setup for Star Fox Guard is simple. The famously incompetent Slippy Toad asks the player to help defend a mining base belonging to Slippy's uncle, Grippy, from armies of invading robots. The player's television shows the 3D views from roughly nine cameras around the mining base, with the camera of the player's choice centered. The GamePad shows a map of the base, pinpointing cameras and enemy locations, and allows the play to tap whatever camera they choose to center and take control of on the TV screen. Each camera is mounted with a laser gun. The player uses that laser to destroy invading enemies. If the robots reach and destroy the base's central core, the mission is failed. If all robots in a wave are destroyed, it's on to the next mission. That's it.

...or in Baton Rouge, Lousiana?

That's it? Sounds pretty basic.
Star Fox Guard's genius comes in the way it both masters and finds depth in its simplicity. The control setup, with the GamePad control sticks used to direct cameras and the trigger buttons to fire the lasers, is intuitive and tight. Bouncing from tapping cameras on the touchscreen with your finger to looking back at the television as you control that camera is also completely natural and intuitive, and a testament to how well the Wii U's ControlPad works when utilized correctly.

Above, what you see on the GamePad and below...

What you see on your TV. Brilliantly conceived simplicity.

But is that it? Is there anything more to this game?
Yes. For starters, Star Fox Guard features five different planets. Each planet features three bases, with three missions to complete at each base, plus a final mission for each. For the odd-numbered missions, that final mission is an incredibly fun boss battle. Progression through planets, bases, and missions is linear, but each base also features, at minimum, three bonus missions to unlock, and those bonus missions can be completed in any order the player chooses, once they've acquired them. As for the main missions that must be completed, each features some new wrinkle with the invading robot army.

Viral Pan...HEY!!! Not cool, game, not cool! Maybe that stuff would fly in 2016, but not now!

New types of robots, with different, more dangerous abilities are employed by the enemy as the game goes on, forcing the player to come up with new strategies. Thankfully, Star Fox Guard also features RPG-lite qualities that allow the player's defense options to get better, as well.
Ah... so, there's the depth.
Yes. At the end of each mission, one of Grippy's robots will roam around and pick up the bits of all the robots you've destroyed. Each mission features a set amount of enemies that can destroy your bases' cores. Those enemies must be destroyed. However, there is also a large salvo of enemy support robots that don't have to be destroyed to complete a mission. These robots generally utilize techniques to distract the player, like disabling or running off with your cameras.

Or by being a Queen Clucktron

Just kidding, Clucktron's a boss, and must be destroyed. Die, Clucktron, die!!!

Destroying these support robots is important to help your base survive, but the more of them you destroy, the more spare parts you'll get at the end of each mission. Spare parts essentially equal XP here, leveling you up to not only unlock bonus missions, but new types of cameras to use during missions. 
These new types include, among others, lock-on cameras, ice ray cameras, slow-motion cameras--some very cool options that allow the player to more deeply strategize. As more of these cameras are unlocked, the player can also unlock additional camera slots, so that more special cameras can be used at a time (at the beginning, only one special camera can be used during a mission). Before each mission, the player gets to place the cameras however they chose, as well as select and place which special camera(s) they want to use. All of this is implemented so well, along with Guard's well-honed and tight gameplay, that the experience of playing this game becomes...

Becomes what? BECOMES WHAT?!

HIGHLY ADDICTIVE?
Yes! HIGHLY ADDICTIVE! I'm not only shocked at how low the quality control seemed to have been for Star Fox Zero, but how high it seems to have been for this free pack-in game, that on its own, still generally costs less than five bucks today. I love Star Fox Guard. It's an absolutely charming experience, and I just couldn't stop playing it. I even got to dust off my son's old Star Fox Amiibo figure, which can be used to bail the player out once a day. Upon using the Amiibo, Fox's team swoops in and destroys every enemy on screen (I believe the Falco Amiibo can be used for the same).

Any chance to keep these things around is fine by me!

There are so many fun touches here, from the Short Circuit-like design of the robots, to the charming overall graphic design and fun music, to the sheer amount of bonus content (not only in missions, but in cameras, and badges), and even the unique online mode, which, unfortunately, won't be a longstanding feature of Guard in the future.
ONLINE MODE?
Yes! You can design an attack army whose strength is determined by how high you've leveled up in the game. Once your army is created, you can draw up an attack plan, submit it, and your automated army goes online, where other players can try to defend themselves against it. If your army defeats them, you get more spare parts, i.e., more XP, all while you're off doing something else. You can also challenge other players' robot armies and try to defend against them to get XP. Obviously, six years out, I may be the only person playing this already under-the-radar game. However, since online armies don't require the creator to...well, to even be alive anymore let alone have a Wii U and this game anymore, there will always be online armies to defend against and to gain X.P. from if you want to play that mode...at least until Nintendo unplugs the servers.

You bet it was!

I just can't believe how much of a winner Star Fox Guard is. After playing both this and Star Fox Zero to their respective end credits, I feel like Zero should have been the pack in, and Guard the MAIN GAME. It's clear Guard is the game the developers were actually passionate about, and the one the most care went into. Also, Guard is currently one of the cheapest Wii U games out there, so if you're looking to knock the dust off your old GamePad and have some good times, you can't go wrong with Star Fox Guard.

Good to know...because I harmed a lot of them!

Even the end credits are interactive. The love put into this game is incredible, and oppositely equal to the amount of disdain shown to all of the robots you can harm...er, simulatedly destroy!

8.0

Graphics

Nothing flashy, but oh so charming.

8.0

Music and Sound

Everything is just nice.

9.0

Gameplay

Straightforward, simple, tower defense gameplay done perfectly, with some addictive RPG-lite elements thrown in for good measure.

8.0

Lasting Value

It might only take ten hours to get through the main missions, but with all of the unlockable bonus missions, cameras, and other items, it never really gets old.

8.8FINAL SCORE

Star Fox Zero (Wii U Review)

Released in North America on April 22, 2016 for the Wii U by Nintendo, and developed by Nintendo EPD and PlatinumGames, Star Fox Zero brings anthropomorphic dogfighting action to the Wii U.

I ignored it. When Star Fox Zero released in the spring of 2016, my Wii U was solely occupied by The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess HD. I saw Zero's mixed reviews and decided I'd be fine taking a long time to get to it. Besides, I still needed to play the two Star Fox games for GameCube.

How could I possible "Press A" when I haven't played two completely unrelated Star Fox games from the early 00's?

Flash forward over five years, and miraculously, I've played through both Star Fox Adventures and Star Fox: Assault for the Nintendo GameCube. For the last four of those years, I've resolved to make it through one unplayed Wii U title on my shelf during every winter break. This past break, it was finally Star Fox Zero's turn.
Can you please write a short review for once?
Yes, actually, I can. I just don't have a lot to say about Star Fox Zero, at the start of 2021, still the most recently released entry in the 3D on-rails/free-roaming hybrid shooter series. As for series history, I remember the first Star Fox game for SNES mostly as a cool store tech demo. The two GameCube games are okay. I love Star Fox 64, which I purchased on the same day I got my learner's permit, and feel like that particular Star Fox game has given me the most enjoyment. Apparently, the creators of Star Fox Zero decided that would be the best game to emulate.
Awesome, so then this game is just an incredibly fun, HD, modernized take on Star Fox 64?
Well...

Look at these jackanapes

Star Fox Zero, considered a series reboot, certainly takes many notes from Star Fox 64. The story sees the evil space simian, Andross, again attempting to take over the galaxy, with Fox McCloud (literally a starfighting Fox) and Fox's animal wing mates the only ones who can stop the evil space monkey. Fox's team flies around in their Arwing space fighters, attempting to foil Andross' plans. That's about it for plot, and really all that is needed from the plot in a game like this: a framework to fly around and shoot stuff.
So...mission accomplished?
No.

Mission...attempted?

The Nintendo 64 game works for two reasons: expertly streamlined gameplay and tight controls. There's nothing in that 1997 classic that doesn't need to be there, and the controls are so intuitive, they become second nature almost immediately. Star Fox 64's major innovation, rumble pak support, isn't in any way necessary to enjoy the game, and merely augments it. Star Fox Zero features graphics leagues ahead of Star Fox 64, and levels designed to feel similar to its 64-bit predecessor. However, Zero fails in matching SF64's gameplay or controls because its attempt at innovation is forcing the player to utilize controls that aren't tight or intuitive in a way that needlessly bloats the gameplay.

You're telling me, General Dog Guy!

As someone with fairly huge hands, I'm a Wii U GamePad defender. I like the feel of it as a controller, and I love it as a secondary screen for use as a game map or inventory screen. I will have to join the majority of those who have attempted to play Star Fox Zero, and agree that I hate the way the GamePad is used in this game. The controls here are a strange combination of gyro and traditional controls that never meld together intuitively. In the earlier, easier levels, this can be overcome. However, in the later, difficult levels, you'll want to throw your GamePad through a wall.
So the opposite of a barrel roll?
Yes, it's maddening. Those earlier stages, where precision isn't as important, do invoke some of the charms of the N64 game. You'll be piloting your Arwing and tanks and other vehicles, not necessarily with the greatest of ease, but at least adequately enough to where the controls aren't quite overrunning the joy of the experience. These portions do feature some segments where you've got to use a drone to disable security boxes that aren't exactly fun, but still, don't feel like a total chore. However, once the player reaches the latter quarter of this maybe ten-hour game, and has to fly between narrow columns, and dogfight through tight spaces, moving the gamepad through the air, jerking the control sticks in anger, all of the earlier joys go hurtling out the window. The controls' lack of precision simply becomes unbearable. I nearly lost my mind.

Don't test me, Squawky

Around this period in history, Nintendo started putting a kind of cheat-y EASY MODE into their games where, if a player died too often, something akin to player invincibility was offered to make progressing easier. In most other games Nintendo offers this, ala Super Mario 3D World, the assistance feels like a kind gesture toward children. In this case, the offered invincibility feels like an apology for Star Fox Zero's lackluster control system. If you want to get to the end credits without breaking something, utilizing the invincibility mode (which nullifies any points earned from levels) may be a necessity.
But the production values are pretty great, right?
Star Fox Zero, the first ever HD Star Fox console game, does look great. Space battles, alien landscapes, explosions, massive cutscenes, all look beautiful. The rousing musical score is fine, as are the sound effects. The voice-acting is...hit or miss. The main characters, including Fox, are solid, and Slippy is the same high-pitched annoyance that's by this point become a charming series trademark. However, some of the other characters, especially the aforementioned drone, are overly cutesy, and enhance the game's I WANT TO BREAK THIS CONTROLLER effect.

Maybe you should start developing video games

But what if you're one of the few who actually enjoy and master Star Fox Zero's control system? Is there anything to keep you going after those initial ten hours?
If you find yourself gleefully swimming against the lukewarm public and critical opinion toward Star Fox Zero, the otherwise short game features a lot of unlockable bonus content to keep you busy. Bonus levels with branching paths, medals to collect, all that Star Fox stuff is here. There's even a co-op mode that splits flying and shooting between two players that makes things a little easier, if you've got the patience to find it hidden amongst the game's menus.

"All right" is a relative term, Peppy

One of the best aspects of the Wii U, the proto-Switch ability to play without a television, is fairly negated here, as you really need both the GamePad AND a TV screen to play this thing. I played maybe a quarter of the game on the GamePad only, and made it work, but the GamePad speakers act as your in-ship radio, so you aren't getting any of the game's music through it. Again, there are so many head-scratching HOW DID THIS GET NINTENDO'S SEAL OF APPROVAL? moments and aspects here. While Zero certainly features some solid nostalgia, great production values, and some enjoyable moments, it is sadly, the weakest console entry in the Star Fox franchise to date. Maybe this poor, already nearly forgotten title could use a little Nintendo Switch salvation?
I should also mention, most copies of Star Fox Zero come with a free bonus game, Star Fox Guard. Guard is a tower defense game...and rather embarrassingly, it's quite better than Star Fox Zero. I'll have a review up for Guard shortly.

8.5

Graphics

Looks good, runs smoothly, decent eye candy.

7.5

Music and Sound

The music is fine, but some oft the cutesy voice-acting will make you want to cram an Arwing in your ear.

6.0

Gameplay

The easier levels do an okay job of masking the control issues, but the latter, more difficult sections of Zero expose those issues in GamePad-smashing agony.

6.0

Lasting Value

Only about ten hours long, though there are some unlockable bonuses, including new missions that stretch Zero out...if you want to keep playing.

6.2FINAL SCORE

Paper Mario: Color Splash (Wii U Review)

Paper Mario: Color Splash
Released for the Wii U, October 7, 2016, by Nintendo, and developed by Intelligent Systems
Retail: $59.99
Wii U Game Reviews Score: 8.5/10

Thinking about the Wii U's Paper Mario: Color Splash fills me with sadness. The last major holiday release for Nintendo's least-selling home console, Paper Mario: Color Splash, despite being a AAA title, sold far less than a million copies. The Nintendo Switch was released just three months after that 2016 holiday season, and the Wii U was quickly forgotten. What's worse, my son received the game from someone that Christmas, played for about 30 minutes, got confused, and never played the game again. He was too busy with Animal Crossing: New Leaf and Tomodatchi Life on his 3DS, anyway. Color Splash sat, unplayed in a drawer, until last month, when I decided to pick it up for my annual "play through an uncompleted Wii U game" holiday tradition. Of course, I thought I'd have this review out a couple weeks ago--I wasn't expecting to put 45 hours into Paper Mario: Color Splash. Thankfully, it's a mostly sublime 45 hours. 

Mostly sublime? I thought this was just like Paper Mario: Sticker Star, which everyone hates! Don't you hate this game?! 

I can't speak to Sticker Star. I can say, Super Mario RPG, this series' non-paper progenitor, as well as the Nintendo 64's original Paper Mario, are two of my favorite titles. Paper Mario: Color Splash lives up to the spirit of those games. It's all in the writing, the game's high production values, and its whimsical humor.

And nostalgia...nostalgia does not hurt.

Humor? Surely you jest!
There was a time where any game that just had proper grammar in its text was regarded as a great success. Localization of Japanese-made games, even ones made directly by Nintendo, didn't always get grammar right, let alone translate tone correctly (i.e.: "I AM ERROR"). Paper Mario: Color Splash shows how far the gaming industry, especially Nintendo, has come in the last 30 years in this regard. This has to be one of the funniest video games ever released. Like most Paper Mario games, the dialogue pokes fun at Mario and Nintendo history. However, Color Splash is jam-packed with side-splitting puns, incisive jokes, pop-culture references, character specific humor, and hilarious plot twists.   

So you're an Alabama fan...

The basic story finds Mario and Peach venturing to the toad-run Prism Island, were apparently, the island's famous rainbow fountain has run dry. The fountain was fueled by six paint starts, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, and Purple (regards to violet and indigo). It turns out Bowser, mysteriously covered in black paint and acting crazier and more evil than usual, has stolen the paint stars and spread them across the land. Meanwhile, his minions have sucked spots of color not only out of the landscape, but out of many of Prism Island's toad citizens, who now lie flat, colorless, and immobile.

The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem.

Color Splash 's writing does many clever things with both the game's paper and color-based graphical themes, but my personal favorite comes in the revelation of Bowser's motivations. The writing team at Intelligent Designs is brilliant, and the game's translation gives the feeling that this game was originally written in English. Dialogue between characters (all in text boxes, but delivered with some funny grunts and noises from certain folks) is quick, witty, and snappy. The game's attitude is completely irreverent, and shockingly for Nintendo, even features a few jokes only grown-ups will get. Intelligent Systems must have spent countless hours nailing down and refining Color Splash's tone because it is perfect. They also obviously put a ton of time and effort in Color Splash's premium-grade graphics and music.

Um...it wasn't me?

Wait, the graphics aren't overly simplistic, kiddy sheets?
What do mean, like sheets of paper?

Like all games in this Paper Mario series, characters and environments are composed of and move like paper. This gives the series built in humor and charm, and Color Splash milks this for all that its worth. However, the game leans into its color theme to give the game a bright and vibrant palette that's incredibly pleasing to the eyes. The art design is phenomenal, and had me excited to start another new level, just so I could see what else Intelligent Designs had come up with. The paper-true 2-D animations, moving within the 3D paper-cutout worlds, are Saturday-morning cartoon perfect. As great as Color Splash's graphical design is, though, its soundtrack might just take the cake.

Do the developers find a way to work Mario Kart into the game? Yes. Do the composers score this part of the game with "Rainbow Road" from Mario Kart? You better believe it!

Intelligent Design's sound team have created something akin to Mario music meets a lush, fully-orchestrated mid-00's indie rock album. That is about the best comparison I can make. All of the whimsical horns, strings, and woodwinds sound straight out of a Sufjan Stevens 50 States album. The music is fun, inspired, and brilliant, remarkably cohesive from the first notes in Port Prisma, to the surprisingly melancholy and beautiful end credits. The entire sound design for Color Splash is nearly perfect.

See what I mean? Thanks, all these people!

So wait, this little game that no one even played is actually perfect?!
As much as I am praising Color Splash, it doesn't come without its frustrations. Much negativity has been heaped upon Sticker Star's departure from the series' more traditional RPG battle elements. Color Splash doesn't go back to the old tried-and-true RPG formula, instead featuring a card-based battle system. As Mario traverses Prism Island, he collects battle cards from question-mark blocks, from filling in color-depleted spots with his paint hammer, from defeating enemies, or from Port Prisma's card store.

Pick a card, any card...well, maybe not the green mushroom cards, those kind of suck.

There's even the option to spend 10 coins on a card (from a rotating series of cards) in the middle of a fight. All this ensures that cards are plentiful for when you need to attack an enemy (or get attacked) and go to the combat screen. Truthfully, as far as combat goes, the cards might as well just be taken as command lines, i.e. "jump," "hammer," "heal," etc. Careful preparation will ensure you are always able to use whatever card you want or need...at least against the game's normal enemies. Bosses are a different story.

Pokey, I have to say, I admire your positive attitude. Now, suck fire!

Paper Mario: Color Splash's biggest flaw comes in several sometimes trial-and-error or obtuse gameplay moments. The game's boss fights generally involve two sections. The first is a normal fight, before the boss suddenly starts using some technique that makes them invincible. For instance, one boss suddenly shoots black paint all over the screen, making it impossible for Mario to see and land attacks. At that point, the only thing that will work against the enemy is a Washing Machine thing card attack. Thing cards come from seemingly random every objects that are realistically 3D drawn, making them standout clearly in the otherwise papery environments. Mario must pick these up and squeeze them into cards for later use.

Yep, sure am glad I picked up this...disco ball?!

The thing is, if you missed or haven't picked up the right thing card, you can't win the fight. You've got to run away, figure out what thing card is needed and where you missed it, and come back to fight afterward. Even worse, some thing card solutions aren't as clear as the washing machine...and some fights even require multiple thing cards. Certain sections of the game are equally difficult to parse out. Figuring out how to progress isn't always clear. Solutions to puzzles sometimes require a sort of late 90's PC point-and-click adventure game logic. It's no wonder my son got confused.

Wait...what is even happening?!

The game features several other annoyances. For instance, some cards Mario picks up are devoid of color and the player has to paint them during a fight. Mario has a color meter that can run out, meaning cards can no longer be painted. The player can refill the color meter fairly easily (and I like the use of primary colors), but it's still a frustrating mechanic with which to have to constantly manage. Saving is also more difficult than it needs to be. The player can only save at one of the game's patented save blocks, found within the depths of its levels. The game also autosaves when you finish or exit a stage. However, you can not only not save at any other point, but you can only have one save file. Basically, when the game starts, and you hit "A," you're started when and where you last saved--multiple save files would have been very welcome here. Their lack of existence makes little sense. Also, for some reason, sometimes Magikoopa flies into your your fights, and messes things up, i.e. flips your cards around to where you can't see what you're selecting. I'm sure this just happens to make the game a little more difficult, but it really just makes those moments annoying.

You toads need therapy!!!

But is most everything else in this game a joy?
Thankfully, most everything else in this game is a joy. The overworld map is fun, and filling the previously unpainted and unreachable parts in is a thrill. Mario must retrieve mini paint stars from each level, with the main paint stars found in each of the six color-code regions' boss levels. Every time a mini-paint star is collected (levels have 1-3 mini-paint stars, each), a little bit more of the game map is colored in and accessible. Granted, progress in Color Splash is essentially linear due to the interactive story, but opening up new levels is still fun (even the RPG "level-up" elements, like gaining HP points--you get more for each of the six paint stars you find--are linear). Likewise is using your paint hammer to fill in blank spots in individual levels with color, which often gives Mario coins (which he can use to buy cards, or to play a rock, paper, scissors minigame) or cards. Bopping trees, bushes, and flowers to get paint is fun, as well. All of this is possible because of Mario's friend Huey.

Thanks, Huey, and maybe Stephen King.

Huey is essentially a magical paint can, a guardian spirit of the depleted fountain. He holds paint for Mario and gives Mario advice when the player asks for it. He is Mario's only constant companion throughout the game--there are no party members, though sometimes defeating enemies gives the player an ally card that can summon those respective enemies to assist for a moment in battle. Huey is a fun, charmingly designed character with some great lines. He is especially great at explaining Prisma's weird features and lore.

Like, why are these Toads having a dance party?

Speaking of weird, the real stars of this game are Prism Island's insane army of toads. They're the main citizens, populating every level, running around doing weird, crazy stuff, often getting themselves into trouble so that Mario has to save them. If ever there was a Mario game where the toads are the breakout stars, this is it.

Though the Shy Guys are a close second!

I'm very glad I finally played through Color Splash. Within the first few hours, the game won a special place in my gaming heart. While it does have its flaws, the production values are great, and it easily stands high as the funniest game Nintendo has ever published. I also appreciate that at special moments, the gameplay style changes, from RPG, to 2D platformer, to game show. Through its minor annoyances, and perhaps overly long playthrough time, it never loses a bit of its charm. This is a splash worth taking...this is one colorful game...the fun here isn't paper-thin...Mari-over and give it a try!
Those puns sucked.
Yes, they did, I'm sorry. Also, I must point out, with Paper Mario: The Origami King now released for Switch, Color Splash may be the rare Wii U game not ported over to its astronomically more successful follow-up. That may be for the best, though--the Wii U, for whatever its flaws, had its certain, unique and wonderful charms. Maybe Color Splash, emblematic of the Wii U itself, is the perfect exclusive to showcase that.

I'm praising the Wii U, that's "what's going on!" It's misunderstood, just like you, Bowser! It just wants to have a good time!

After all, the Wii U Gamepad is used here to select and organize cards in and outside of battles. That feature would completely disappear in a Switch port. While the TV-offline mode the game features, where gameplay only takes place on the gamepad, could be done on the portable Switch, the gamepad as a menu screen and TV as a main screen feature cannot. If Color Splash was ever ported to Switch, which is doubtful, the Wii U version would still be the definitive experience.
So, dust off your Wii U's (you special 14 million) and grab yourself a copy. The blank spots aren't going to fill in themselves!

8.8

Graphics

The 2D/3D mashup may not be a hardware pusher, but it's charming and easy on the eyes. Characters look and move like Saturday morning cartoons of themselves. The graphical design is cohesive and impressive.

9.8

Music and Sound

Beautiful, whimsical soundtrack sounds like an indie rock symphony.

8.0

Gameplay

The RPG elements are light, and sometimes the puzzles feel obtuse, but overall, the humor, fun story, and game design are charming and enjoyable.

8.5

Lasting Value

Shockingly long, with a bunch of optional sidequests I didn't even mention in the body of the review that can stretch out the gameplay length even longer.

8.5FINAL SCORE

Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn

Released on November 5, 2007 for the Nintendo Wii by Nintendo after development by Intelligent Systems and Nintendo SPD, Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn features tactical RPG gameplay across 37 chapters in a medieval fantasy setting.

"Who can account for taste?" asked my American Lit professor in a comment on my paper for Cormac McCarthy's drag of an overlong romance western adjective vomit, All the Pretty Horses. My English professor's favorite all-time book was All the Pretty Horses, and while he insisted that the fact that I disliked it would not affect my grade, the B he gave me in his lower level class sure looked conspicuous next to the A's I made in literally every single other English class I took as an English major. 19 A's and a B. "Who can account for taste?" my ass.
I don't like Fire Emblem games. I can see that now. About halfway through Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn, I decided that continuing to play the 2007 Wii tactical RPG would be about as fun for me as...reading All the Pretty Horses again. By why isn't this storied series my cup of tea?

Game Over? But I just started!

Radiant Dawn starts well enough, with some cool, action-packed, atmospheric cinematics. Some magical girl with a cute bird is on the run, and some guy shows up to protect her. There's all kind of societal strife and war, and a bunch of over-complicated political mumbo-jumbo, and then you're suddenly looking at an overhead view of a city street, controlling some characters on a playing field.
When each of your respective characters gets their turn, a movement grid appears around them, upon which you can direct the character to any spot. The grid moves with you as you progress across the playing field, at times growing smaller according to more difficult terrain, like slopes. If you move close enough to an enemy, you can choose to attack them, whereupon a screen showing an animation of that attack appears. You also have the choice to end the turn using an item, like a healing herb, instead of attacking. Complete the chapter goals, like defeating a boss, or staying alive for a certain amount of turns, and you complete the chapter. There are 37 chapters.

I told you the stupid bird was cute.

And that's...the gist of it. As the game progresses, Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn adds more and more complexity to the basic core of its gameplay, like missions geared specifically toward defense, missions involving prisoner rescue, allies added to the playing field the player can't control, and playable characters who can shapeshift. So much minutiae is added with each consecutive mission, that the corresponding tutorials become laughable--really, I'm 15 missions and 30 hours in, and you want to show me another instructional video?
I had a good time to start. Radiant Dawn felt like an onscreen board game and turn-based-RPG rolled into one. The game allows you to utilize many different types of characters: swordsmen or ax men who have to land right next to an enemy square in order to attack, archers who can attack from two squares or more away, lancers who can do both, and many more. There are even mage characters who can heal the rest of your party. Sure, you don't really get to know these characters, and they start to become more and more interchangeable as the game goes on, but early in, when the fields of play and mission objectives are simple, strategizing how to best use them is a thrill. For the first 10-15 hours, I was truly enjoying the game. Then cracks began to appear in the facade.

Look, it's Ike from Smash Bros.! Uh...I think I'm gonna go play Smash Bros. now.

First, I started to notice I wasn't interested in Radiant Dawn's needlessly complex, emotionlessly told story: Here's some prince. Here's some king. Here's some other prince who doesn't like the first prince. Here's some tyrant doing tyrant stuff. The people are restless. War. Famine. Repeat.
Radiant Dawn introduces character after character, location after location, and it's all just narrative white noise. Seven or eight missions in, I started skipping the cutscenes, which had become a time-wasting drag. You can access each mission's objective at any point during the chapter anyway
That's fine, I thought. I'm only playing this for the gameplay, anyway.
Then, it happened.
I reached the final chapter of the second part of this five-part game. Each part focuses on a different set of characters in a different location of the game's kingdom, which ensures you not only won't get too attached to any of them, but will be even more confused by the convoluted plot. When the characters die in a mission, they're dead permanently, anyway. Okay, so back to the end of the second part of of the game...
As I hinted at before, every one of Radiant Dawn's chapters has a condition that must be met to progress. They also have conditions of failure, such as allowing a particular character to die,or giving up on certain square on the playing field. The second part's final mission features many, many enemies and allies, and has a winning condition of surviving for 15 turns. A turn finishes when every character for you, your enemies, and your allies have had the opportunity to act. The game was already starting to get stale, when I, with a horror, realized I would be wasting time just sitting there, watching enemies and allies moving around for a vast amount of time. I eventually pulled out my stopwatch, and found that during each turn in the chapter, the enemies and allies took at least 3.5 minutes to complete all their moves...and I didn't have the option to skip watching their moves take place.. 15x3.5 is...more than 50 minutes. That's more than 50 minutes of just one of Radiant Dawn's 37 missions that I had to spend just sitting there watching what was going on on the screen. And this is a mission that occurs before the halfway point. I nearly went out of mind.

Why does your game hate me, Ike?!

That's not going to work for me. Ever. That chapter also included the failure condition that two particular characters could not die without the chapter automatically ending in defeat. I once made it to the final turn, after two hours of chapter gameplay, only to have one of these characters perish. So much time wasted. Thankfully, you have the option to save during a battle, but save at the wrong time, like say, right before the turn where your vital character has already been trapped and is about to die, and you're screwed. This type of pacing just isn't for me. At that point, I realized that, in order to keep my happiness and general well-being, I would need to quit playing Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn.
And so I did.
I should mention, though, the music up to that point was solid Nintendo stuff, but not good enough to make me want to finish the game. There's some voice-acting, but it's rarely utilized, mainly just in certain cutscenes. The graphics are solid, particularly in some of said cutscenes. Really, everything about the production values is solid. The gameplay, though...as much fun as the more straightforward missions can be, just becomes too tedious...
To me. As I said, Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn just isn't my type of game. Perhaps I'm being too hard on it. Then again, the overly convoluted narrative is a legitimate complaint. The way the game introduces too many characters to allow the player to emotional connect with any one of them is a legitimate complaint. The way the player has to sit through long patches of video game AI making its moves is a legitimate complaint. Cormac McCarthy taking 100 pages just for the kid to ride his damn horse home at the end is a legitimate complaint! Yes, Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn isn't my type of game--but I'd have the same complaints about these issues if they existed in a game in any genre that I enjoy. Imagine having to watch K. Rool putz around for an hour before you, as Donkey Kong, are allowed to defeat him? That's not very enjoyable...and life's too short to spend 60 hours playing a game you don't enjoy.

My better tomorrow will be spent playing a different game!

I can say, when the missions didn't involve me waiting a million years, I enjoyed the strategy involved in moving my characters in a grid like pattern against enemies. I enjoyed leveling up my archer (your characters level up, growing stronger after enough fights, but you can also level them up from a group pool between chapters, as well), buying him better arrows (there's a camp store you can visit between chapters), and turning him into a genuine weapon. I enjoyed maneuvering my stronger fighters, like Sothe (during the parts he was available) into a group of enemies that were giving my other characters trouble, and waylaying them. There are certainly many elements here to enjoy--but the flaws, piled on top of my personal taste--because who really can account for taste, right Dr. McKinnon, you jackass?--were just too much to bear. I don't like reviewing a game I haven't played to the final credits, but in this case, for my sanity's sake, on to the next game.

8.0

Graphics

They're fine. It's the above average, higher-res GameCube graphics you've come to expect in Wii prestige titles. Cutscenes look nice. 

7.5

Music and Sound

It's fine. Decent voice-acting in the cutscenes. Effective, if unmemorable music.

6.5

Gameplay

Some great, grid-based tactical RPG fun, saddled with overlong missions that force you to watch your enemies move for hours.

7.5

Lasting Value

There are at least 37 missions, and lots of options, but does that really matter when I have no drive to finish the game?

6.8  FINAL SCORE